I Have Lost Myself

Ok, so you know i have social anxiety, right? But i need to get this off my chest.

For a couple of months now ive felt like im lost myself, when i was in year 4/5/6 in primary school and year 7/8/9 in secondary, i was fun, loving and care free! I mean i didn’t actually care what people thought of me, yeah i was called names, threatened etc... but so was everyone else, you know, i was just... me? I mean i just didn’t give a shit to be fair. I was laughing at the word poo and penis, running around the playground like there was no tomorrow... but that was me and i was happy with being me. i was known as the crazy one... everyone else was like growing up quicker and i was just taking it easy, i was so happy, i loved being a kid!  Loved the comfort of being a child, loved the company of friends. God, i miss those days!

But since developing Anxiety/ Depression and growing up, it feels like the Andrew i knew and loved has gone, like he has been bad or something? I suppose punished for not growing up quick enough? But he’s lost, and i want him back. I knew something was wrong since year 9, everything became personal and i started crumbling emotionally. Then the tables turned: i now became the one who was growing up to fast, i was the one who was planning for the future whilst everyone else is on slow mode.

Now... im no fun, Im a paranoid mess! I cant even listen to musicin college or on the coach to college, just incase someone is talking about me! Its ridiculous, it really is! Im taking everything to serious, im so unconfident and so negative about everything!  y’know... i don’t even go to partys cause im scared if everyone will turn against me. I mean back in the day i would of gone to a party (a 12 year olds party that is) and made friends with everyone, chat up the older girls and dance like im on E and just not give a shit. Now? Well, i can only imagine what id be like... probably turn up and cry and run of feeling sorry for myself.

I even cant talk to my parents right cause i have so much shit going on, they don’t understand, they just say ‘ive been through this ive been a teenager before’ they don’t understand this... mentally debilitating illness... cause it is, im sorry but it alters you train of thought at seriously rapes and pilliages your mind and wires you the wrong way. But one thing, i never want my parents to know how low ive felt, it would scare them. But thats what social anxiety does. It takes away every last bit of happiness and crushes it. It infects your mind and, bad thoughts, paranoia and negativity takes over, and sometimes? It feels like they will never stop.

I just want myself back, i was just so free, (i know im making it sound like i was in jail, but having anxiety is like being in jail) i want to stand tall and be proud of who i am, but at the moment... im buring my head in the sand and being someone who im not.  Im fun, kind and caring, not this trainwreck i am at the moment...

So, Andrew, wherever you are, please, get the fuck back to me as soon as possible, and hurry up! Its been a long time.