Thank You for all your kind support since ive set up the blog! there will be more posts soon, so keep on coming back and checking!
Andy
Sunday 29 January 2012
Saturday 21 January 2012
I Have Lost Myself
Ok, so you know i have social anxiety, right? But i need to
get this off my chest.
For a couple of months now ive felt like im lost myself,
when i was in year 4/5/6 in primary school and year 7/8/9 in secondary, i was
fun, loving and care free! I mean i didn’t actually care what people thought of
me, yeah i was called names, threatened etc... but so was everyone else, you
know, i was just... me? I mean i just didn’t give a shit to be fair. I was
laughing at the word poo and penis, running around the playground like there
was no tomorrow... but that was me and i was happy with being me. i was known
as the crazy one... everyone else was like growing up quicker and i was just
taking it easy, i was so happy, i loved being a kid! Loved the comfort of being a child, loved the
company of friends. God, i miss those days!
But since developing Anxiety/ Depression and growing up, it feels like the Andrew i knew and loved has gone, like he has been bad or something? I suppose punished for not growing up quick enough? But he’s lost, and i want him back. I knew something was wrong since year 9, everything became personal and i started crumbling emotionally. Then the tables turned: i now became the one who was growing up to fast, i was the one who was planning for the future whilst everyone else is on slow mode.
Now... im no fun, Im a paranoid mess! I cant even listen to musicin college or on the coach to college, just incase someone is talking about me! Its ridiculous, it really is! Im taking everything to serious, im so unconfident and so negative about everything! y’know... i don’t even go to partys cause im scared if everyone will turn against me. I mean back in the day i would of gone to a party (a 12 year olds party that is) and made friends with everyone, chat up the older girls and dance like im on E and just not give a shit. Now? Well, i can only imagine what id be like... probably turn up and cry and run of feeling sorry for myself.
I even cant talk to my parents right cause i have so much shit going on, they don’t understand, they just say ‘ive been through this ive been a teenager before’ they don’t understand this... mentally debilitating illness... cause it is, im sorry but it alters you train of thought at seriously rapes and pilliages your mind and wires you the wrong way. But one thing, i never want my parents to know how low ive felt, it would scare them. But thats what social anxiety does. It takes away every last bit of happiness and crushes it. It infects your mind and, bad thoughts, paranoia and negativity takes over, and sometimes? It feels like they will never stop.
I just want myself back, i was just so free, (i know im making it sound like i was in jail, but having anxiety is like being in jail) i want to stand tall and be proud of who i am, but at the moment... im buring my head in the sand and being someone who im not. Im fun, kind and caring, not this trainwreck i am at the moment...
So, Andrew, wherever you are, please, get the fuck back to me as soon as possible, and hurry up! Its been a long time.
Wednesday 18 January 2012
Why are we paranoid?
Bit of a pointless pot, but hey ho! needed to get this off my chest!
Life is...? weird? short?
Well its both of them, so why waste OUR time being paranoid? i mean who cares what the popular people in the corner of the room texting on their BB's think of us, we are who we are, there is no changing that!
So why do we get paranoid?? im gonna be blunt, ive never really understood it, i mean worrying about what OTHER people think of us? irrelevant people? why? i mean c'mon!
That, to be fair, is all easier said than done. People with anxiety somewhat feed of the paranoia.
But maybe people with paranoia... desire to be liked by everyone, ever thought of that? i know some people are gonna blow up and say 'thats so wrong!' BUT THINK ABOUT IT! maybe people who get paranoid want to be liked by everyone, because maybe they dont need fancy things like computers, bb's etc.. maybe all they need is the comfort of knowing they are liked by people is enough?
Please, give me your opinion on paranoia, cause i really wanna know more about it, cause ive never understood it? maybe its me trying to cope with it or something, this is just MY interpretation of it...
Id like to share YOUR experience/ views of paranoia! comment or e-mail me at ajcm95@hotmail.co.uk !
Life is...? weird? short?
Well its both of them, so why waste OUR time being paranoid? i mean who cares what the popular people in the corner of the room texting on their BB's think of us, we are who we are, there is no changing that!
So why do we get paranoid?? im gonna be blunt, ive never really understood it, i mean worrying about what OTHER people think of us? irrelevant people? why? i mean c'mon!
That, to be fair, is all easier said than done. People with anxiety somewhat feed of the paranoia.
But maybe people with paranoia... desire to be liked by everyone, ever thought of that? i know some people are gonna blow up and say 'thats so wrong!' BUT THINK ABOUT IT! maybe people who get paranoid want to be liked by everyone, because maybe they dont need fancy things like computers, bb's etc.. maybe all they need is the comfort of knowing they are liked by people is enough?
Please, give me your opinion on paranoia, cause i really wanna know more about it, cause ive never understood it? maybe its me trying to cope with it or something, this is just MY interpretation of it...
Id like to share YOUR experience/ views of paranoia! comment or e-mail me at ajcm95@hotmail.co.uk !
Tuesday 17 January 2012
Social Anxiety.
Hiiiiii Im Andrew, and i have social anxiety.
Whats that? Well, i will tell you, Social Anxiety is this:
Anxiety about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people. The difference between social anxiety and normal apprehension of social situations is that social anxiety involves an intense feeling of fear in social situations and especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you will be watched or evaluated by others. The feeling of fear is so great that in these types of situations one may be so worried that they feel anxious just thinking about them and will go to great lengths to avoid them.
So you know what this blog is about. let me fill you in on more about me...
I have had social anxiety for about a year? (well to be fair i could of had it all my life, cause i was such a freaky child!), and i have been affected really badly. Im open at the fact ive not had a proper relationship with anyone, neither have i 'got off' with anyone, 'cause ive had no confidence to flirt/ kiss anyone. Also when i see someone im attracted to, i dont go up to them and interact with them, because for me, i find it scary. Now some of you 'stud muffins' may find it piss easy to go up to someone and chat them up, quick flirting session and BAMN both your knickers are on the floor, by the end of the night youve had SEX. But for people with anxiety its a different case. People with Anxiety can feel physically sick in these situations. Emotions can run through peoples head, random shit like 'what do they think of me?' 'what if they hate me' 'omg what if they think im ugly', to people who dont SUFFER from anxiety you may think 'LOL thats crazy' but for people with anxiety, these emotions are really raw and real.
I also lost touch with my bestfriend, cause of my anxiety. My head played tricks on me, it told me that she didnt like me, and she thought i was this that and the other. From the outside, it looks like im being too paranoid, and being irrational. But with anxiety, these... Feelings, feel very real in the moment, cause looking back i now know that she was my bestfriend and did like me.
Also, i had a waiters job at a hotel round the corner from me, that helped me overcome so many of my anxietys and helped me face some of my fears (talking to people etc...) however i did ruin it abit, as my anxiety kicked in. I Become paranoid that all the staff hated me and kept getting upset, i felt like an outsider, that i came into the hotel and somehow ruined everything i know it sound's crazy, but i felt no one liked me there. I alienated the staff there, even called one a bitch! but looking back, i had no reason to feel these emotions. I was new to them, they didn't know me, and by me being a dick and calling them bitches, they didn't warm to me. This is what anxiety does, it effects your life! its not someones EMOTIONS, its someones state of mind. Their train of thought is altered. Its like a machine, which tells your brain how to feel. 'Feel crap!' 'Put yourself down'
Im not here to bore you all and whine about my life (i do enough of that everyday) im just here to shed some light on social anxiety. And share with you experiences and hopefully help people through tough times aswell as help them undertsand social anxiety.
So yeah, hopefully youl follow and enjoy my posts :)
if you have any questions about Social Anxiety, or want to talk to someone... then please e-mail me! ajcm95@hotmail.co.uk
If you worry about having Anxiety or think you may have it, please talk to me and hopefully we can shed light on the matter. Im here to help and here to talk!
Whats that? Well, i will tell you, Social Anxiety is this:
Anxiety about social situations, interactions with others, and being evaluated or scrutinized by other people. The difference between social anxiety and normal apprehension of social situations is that social anxiety involves an intense feeling of fear in social situations and especially situations that are unfamiliar or in which you will be watched or evaluated by others. The feeling of fear is so great that in these types of situations one may be so worried that they feel anxious just thinking about them and will go to great lengths to avoid them.
So you know what this blog is about. let me fill you in on more about me...
I have had social anxiety for about a year? (well to be fair i could of had it all my life, cause i was such a freaky child!), and i have been affected really badly. Im open at the fact ive not had a proper relationship with anyone, neither have i 'got off' with anyone, 'cause ive had no confidence to flirt/ kiss anyone. Also when i see someone im attracted to, i dont go up to them and interact with them, because for me, i find it scary. Now some of you 'stud muffins' may find it piss easy to go up to someone and chat them up, quick flirting session and BAMN both your knickers are on the floor, by the end of the night youve had SEX. But for people with anxiety its a different case. People with Anxiety can feel physically sick in these situations. Emotions can run through peoples head, random shit like 'what do they think of me?' 'what if they hate me' 'omg what if they think im ugly', to people who dont SUFFER from anxiety you may think 'LOL thats crazy' but for people with anxiety, these emotions are really raw and real.
I also lost touch with my bestfriend, cause of my anxiety. My head played tricks on me, it told me that she didnt like me, and she thought i was this that and the other. From the outside, it looks like im being too paranoid, and being irrational. But with anxiety, these... Feelings, feel very real in the moment, cause looking back i now know that she was my bestfriend and did like me.
Also, i had a waiters job at a hotel round the corner from me, that helped me overcome so many of my anxietys and helped me face some of my fears (talking to people etc...) however i did ruin it abit, as my anxiety kicked in. I Become paranoid that all the staff hated me and kept getting upset, i felt like an outsider, that i came into the hotel and somehow ruined everything i know it sound's crazy, but i felt no one liked me there. I alienated the staff there, even called one a bitch! but looking back, i had no reason to feel these emotions. I was new to them, they didn't know me, and by me being a dick and calling them bitches, they didn't warm to me. This is what anxiety does, it effects your life! its not someones EMOTIONS, its someones state of mind. Their train of thought is altered. Its like a machine, which tells your brain how to feel. 'Feel crap!' 'Put yourself down'
Im not here to bore you all and whine about my life (i do enough of that everyday) im just here to shed some light on social anxiety. And share with you experiences and hopefully help people through tough times aswell as help them undertsand social anxiety.
So yeah, hopefully youl follow and enjoy my posts :)
if you have any questions about Social Anxiety, or want to talk to someone... then please e-mail me! ajcm95@hotmail.co.uk
If you worry about having Anxiety or think you may have it, please talk to me and hopefully we can shed light on the matter. Im here to help and here to talk!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)